noe-ing that life's sucks living alone without family made me think twice to do shits to my mum. i love her alot, yes i do. at times, we ourselves dun even noe what we're trying to prove to others and jolly well not being sure of what gonna happen next. but still, i dun think non of us would put a stop to it. nothing is impossible and all we can do is to just stay clear from any unwanted things to happen in our life.
pleasure is another word for all reasons we can think off. too bad we cant deny the fact that in this world, there's no one out there not doing any mistake through out their life. i, myself cant deny the fact that ive been doing bad things behind my mum. i dunno if she knows me that well. me doing this and that and all shits. there's always a moment where people for sure do the best that they could to hide this flaws. we dun wanna hurt them, thats another reason to it. i dunno how to explain it here. it's jus that somehow i felt, im not being the good daughter, sister, person towards my family. yes, be urself, thats wat people always say. but to tell the facts to ur precious person, i dun think one would have the courage to do so unless there's no other options to it. we cant rewind everything back. if i could, i would want to turn into baby back. pure and innocent. all we can do now is to look into the future. and we still cant predict the future unless we're born to be extra special. BUT STILL, I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!
so many things happening into my life. and too much of it can make u sick. i encountered different cases altogether. i dun quite sure what im feeling about it right now. there's only one word. PITY. i dun really quite sure whats the difference between my life and their life. with that, i came to a conclusion that im blessed to have a family like mine. im glad that i still have brain to think at times. yes, we can never exactly feel the way the other's feeling. but to think of it again, im really blessed. fullstop. there's no need to do anymore searching bout this. I'M BLESSED!
i dun think anyone deserve to be punish in any way expect when they did something wrong. and when they knew that there's thing that they deserve to be punish for, i hope they jolly well accept it. dun go blaming on others esp ur own family for ur ruthless behaviours. dun punish them. PUNISH URSELF! dun go saying bad things as if they owe u a living! HELLO! they still support u eventhough ur old enough to feed urself. yes yes, i encountered this kinda shit! i have no right to judge anyone. i played a part to cool this shits down. but what they returned me? all kinda rubbishs that i dun have to know but i now i know, STUPID!
all i can say is that, im getting more and more closer to my mum. we dun do bonding session before. but im trying. i tried asking her out, trying to please her with anything. i talked to her randomly. and now, im letting her outta country again with her bestfren. i dun feel good tho. hopefully she return safely and go over peacefully. hope she would love the days in kampung. fruits season la they say. so ya, my prayers always with u, mum.
here's a piece for my daddy aimi too. eversince we stay in a different places, i dunno how to feel u as my dad. cos i was still little at that point of time. but now im old enough to think and feel. i felt that u're the most wonderful gift God has given me. u both, my dearest parents. we may have the complicated family's story some may say but we still stay strong as one even without getting near to each other everyday. in our heart, we know it. in our heart, we're still as one. ALWAYS. there's this one part touches me the most. over the weekend, me and my dad, my stepmum, stepsiblings with partners and even boyfriend joined in for the trip to K.L. the part when my dad held his hand full of rice, directed to my mouth. i was shocked and lost. yes, he fed me. not once, but for many times till i pretended that the food was spicy. i was about to cry for goodness sake! i looked at him and in my heart, it has been ages since he did that for me. thanks ayah. i love u more and more everytime u make me laugh. and every sec, im missing you. (,:
there's always a time when i felt useless and being used for family. but to think back, this is my destiny and ive to endure it and accept it. we cant run away from the facts but i sure will cry at times and thats okay. at least im doing it well. so well till i cried not becos of im sad but its the tears of joy and happiness.
u're the reason i learn to be independent and staying strong always. love you, ayah.
my dearest mum, u've always been there for us no matter whatever or whenever. u're our light thru our darkest days. thank you, mak. love you.
no matter whatever happens between us, we're still US. loving you forever, brothers.
Ya Allah, berikan lah Aku kekuatan untuk menempuh hidup ini dengan tenang. Berikan lah aku dorangan dan bimbing lah Aku ke jalan yang benar. Selamatkan lah kedua ibu bapa ku dan juga keluarga ku. Berikan lah mereka semangat untuk terus hidup, panjangkan umur dan murahkan rezeki. Amin.
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15 Feb 2009 & still counting..
